How we behave in different circumstances and conditions can be termed in three ways:

• Aggressive
• Non-Assertive
• Assertive

We all exhibit these behaviours in different circumstances, though we may tend to emphasize one of them more than the others.

Aggressive Behaviour

Aggressive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who have little or no concern for other people’s ideas, feelings and needs.

People who demonstrate aggressive behaviour can:

• Use sarcasm
• Adopt a patronising attitude
• Place the blame for problems and mistakes on someone else
• Become hostile and sometimes abuse verbally

Typical aggressive statements:

• "Don’t ask questions – just do it…"
• "That’s stupid."
• "It’s nothing to do with me – it’s all your fault."

Non-Assertive Behaviour

This behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who attempt to gain the approval of others and avoid hurting or upsetting anyone.

People who demonstrate this behaviour:

• Tend not to stand up for themselves
• May express their views in a very cautious or mild manner, or they may not express them at all.
• Usually allow others to push ahead of them in career terms and allow others to take credit for work they themselves have completed. They may well resent such actions but are too compliant to do anything about it.

Typical Non-Assertive statements:

• "I’m sorry to take up your time but…"
• "Would you be upset if we…"
• "It’s only my opinion but…"

Assertive Behaviour

Assertive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who respect the rights of other people to express their ideas, feelings, and needs, while at the same time recognizing that they too have the right to express and pursue them.

Being assertive means:

• Being honest with yourself and others
• Possessing the ability to say directly what you want, need, or feel, but not at the expense of others
• Having confidence in yourself and being positive, while at the same time understanding other people’s points of view
• Being able to negotiate and reach workable compromises
• Having self-respect and respect for other people

Typical assertive statements:

• "I believe that… what do you think?"
• "I would like to…"
• "What can we do to resolve this problem?"

These are two types of feedback: Redirection and Reinforcement.

Redirection

Redirection identifies job-related behaviours and performance that do not contribute to individual, group, and organizational goals and help the employee develop alternative strategies.

Reinforcement

Reinforcement identifies job-related behaviours and performance that contributes to individual, group, and organization goals and encourages the employee to repeat and develop those actions. 

Redirection and reinforcement are really two halves of the same whole—they  work together to provide all members of the organization with the information they need to improve their job performance and work up to their full potential.

When feedback takes the form of redirection and reinforcement, it has a number of useful characteristics:

• Focuses on acts, not attitude
• Directed to the future
• Is goal oriented
• Is multidirectional
• Supports proper action
• Is continual 

Rather than commenting on an employee's lack of professionalism, for example, we redirect job performance issues like typing errors and behavioural problems that affect job performance, like lateness. Reluctance to give or receive feedback is usually based on misperceptions about feedback. 

As givers, we are reluctant to hurt the feelings of others and as receivers we don't want our work to be criticized. When we think about those times in which we have been subjected to hurtful criticism, we often find that what hurt us wasn't the fact that someone was commenting on our work, but the way those comments were offered. Somehow, feedback about our typing errors turned into an evaluation of our entire educational history and personality!

Within the workplace, we provide colleagues and team members information (feedback) about their acts in order to help them meet individual, group, and organizational goals. 

There are two types of actions about which we provide feedback:

• Job performance
• Work-related behaviour 

Job performance involves competency—whether or not an employee is capable of performing specific tasks that have been assigned.

Work-related behaviour involves the way in which an employee performs his or her tasks – whether he or she speaks politely to customers, for example, and works cooperatively with other team members.

Consider that workplace feedback is fairly specific. When we give workplace feedback, we are not commenting on our co-workers’ personalities or private lives, nor are we dwelling on their past errors to punish them. Instead, we respond to those factors that affect out feedback recipient’s work or the work of others so that the recipient can plan for the future.

As we have seen in our case studies, the feedback we read about produced a variety of results. Silence allowed a manager to create her own interpretation of the director’s reaction, which may or may not have been correct. Criticism creates harsh feelings between and employee and a manager. Praise created positive feelings during an employee evaluation, but accomplished nothing more – no reinforcement of the good work performed. What could more effective, constructive feedback have done?

What is Feedback?

Feedback is information we receive from others defining their perception of us in terms of looks, actions, or things we have said. We often look at feedback as something negative, but feedback, properly given and received, may also be defined as an opportunity to expand one’s understanding and can be used as a tool for achieving positive results. Properly given, this feedback becomes constructive feedback. We receive feedback daily and from different sources. If we can understand it and use it, this feedback can empower us to communicate more openly and improve our performance in many areas.

Feedback is seldom verbal only – emotions, timing, location, body language, etc., occur. All contribute to how feedback is received. Consider the intent of the feedback. If you do not have a positive intent, a positive outcome is not possible.

One of the reasons why we tend to resist critical feedback is that a good part of our self-image is based on how others view us. When we find out that someone sees us in a less-than-positive light, we may feel devastated. We like to hear what is consistent with our own views and resist ideas contrary to our beliefs. But, if we knew that we were doing something ineffectively, wouldn’t we try to improve the performance? Constructive feedback implies that we could be wrong. What could be more personal and threatening? It takes an open mind to be able to listen to an opposing view. 

What we should realize is that constructive feedback has two interactors – one giver and one receiver. It is not just something we must “take,” but something we can respond to and interact with.

Unless you are listening to someone who is giving a speech, custom dictates that you take turns (not necessarily equal turns) talking and listening. There are a few rules of thumb when deciding whether to talk or listen.

• Never assume you should talk more.Although it's counterintuitive to many people, in leadership, customer relationship building, negotiating, and virtually every other vital business function, skilful listening is often more valuable than talking.
• You can ask.If you aren't sure whether to talk or listen, you can always ask them which they would prefer, whether they would like to talk or listen to something you are ready to say.
• Make an effort to share the floor.If you think you have been talking too much, you can make an effort to give them a turn by asking them a non-leading question, then listening attentively to their answer.
• When the conversation lags, refocus.If they aren't talking, and you don't know what to say next, but your goals for the conversation haven't been reached yet, there are two safe ways to continue. First, you can simply ask the other person what else they want to say about the topic being discussed. Second, you can propose to talk more about a relevant topic, and ask them if they want to talk with you about it.

The human brain is built for conversation, but we achieve better results when we think strategically about listening and making a few simple, deliberate choices that support our conversational goals.

The following flow charts show a series of choices that you face in conversation starting with the most basic: whether to talk or listen. Your mission is to identify, and support, your goals for having this particular conversation in the first place.

As the above chart describes, when you are self-aware in a conversation, and thus conscious of making choices, there are two initial options to consider as described.