When a person acts disruptively in the workplace, coworkers are often quick to label that person as difficult. But in most cases, it's not people that are difficult, but rather their behavior. People will often use difficult behavior if, in the past, it's helped them get what they want or need. It's easier to understand difficult people if you can identify the reasons behind their behavior.
The difficult people in your office probably don't think they're difficult. In fact, they probably think you're the difficult one. After all, you're what's standing between them and what they want. But if you change your reaction to reflect their behavior types, they may start to think of you as being more reasonable, and in turn, change their reactions and behavior. Realizing that changing your behavior can help to change theirs can help you more easily combat difficult behavior.
In order to deal with a person's difficult behavior, it helps to understand what the person wants and needs. However, identifying someone's wants and needs may not always be possible. Identifying intent, or what the person hopes to accomplish with his behavior, can be easier. If you have a difficult relationship with a coworker, it may be helpful to ask the person's opinion about why the relationship is difficult. Doing this helps to create a feeling of being in control. If you choose this approach, it's important to remember that you may not always like what you hear. You need to be able to really listen without taking it personally. By listening to the words and not just reacting, you may find clues to your coworker's motivations and needs.
The most common reason for difficult behavior is that someone's needs are not being met. And it's not just about physical needs, but also psychological needs, such as the need for control, recognition, or respect. If somebody has been rewarded for difficult behavior in the past by having his needs met, he has no incentive to change. For example, if every time a coworker interrupts you, you stop what you're doing to listen, the coworker will probably continue to behave this way. Dealing with the difficult behavior of others isn't easy, and you shouldn't expect instant results. Changing someone's behavior takes time.
Difficult behavior can also be caused by deeper issues. Some of these issues include lack of experience, being stuck in the past, and having low self-esteem. Understanding why difficult people behave the way they do can help you develop a strategy to deal with the issues they cause. Possible causes of difficult behavior include:
- dysfunctional family – People who grow up with a lack of experience in different social settings may have never learned the basic social skills to enable them to interact appropriately with others. For example, someone who wasn't given any privacy while growing up may become an adult who sees nothing wrong with intruding into everyone else's personal lives. This person doesn't understand or respect other people's need for privacy.
- being stuck in the past – People who are stuck in the past may exhibit difficult behavior because they relate to people in the present as though they were a specific person who caused them grief in the past. For instance, someone who was treated abusively or unfairly by a previous boss may feel anger toward a new boss because of their unresolved anger. The person behaves badly toward the new boss because, in that person's eyes, the new boss represents someone from the past who caused him pain.
- low self-esteem – People with low self-esteem will often use difficult behavior, such as being demanding or offensive, to keep others at a distance. They do this to protect their own fragile sense of self. As an example, they may have been teased or bullied as children and have learned to respond to others in the same manner.
Understanding motivation for behavior
Understanding some of the common causes of difficult behavior is a good starting point. However, understanding what motivates someone to behave in a certain way will equip you to develop a strategy to effectively deal with that person's behavior.
Some common types of difficult behavior you may encounter in the workplace are controlling, perfectionist, approval-seeking, and attention-getting. Each type of behavior has a different motivation and requires a different approach:
- controlling – Controlling people are motivated by a need to get the job done quickly. One reason for this is that they want to keep costs down. Controlling behavior is also a type of aggressive behavior. People who display controlling behavior need to understand that by taking a little extra time to resolve issues, workers can actually cut back on the number of dissatisfied customers, which saves money in the long run.
- perfectionist – Perfectionists are motivated by a need to get the job done right. Perfectionists can often be indecisive and overly critical. This is a type of procrastination. This type of behavior may be brought on by a need for approval. To counteract this behavior, the perfectionist's boss needs to provide the person with lots of support and reassurance. The person needs to understand that being able to get a job done well and on time is more important than spending so much time on every little detail.
- approval-seeking – Approval-seeking people are motivated by the need to get along and belong. People who display this behavior don't want to say no to anyone, and will agree to all requests. This may often result in them not being able to do any of their work effectively. Approval-seeking behavior is a type of negative behavior. The approval-seeking person needs to understand that it's not always possible to please everybody and that, by trying to do just that, she isn't able to do her job effectively and risks making people angry at her.
- attention-getting – Attention-getting people are motivated by the need to be appreciated. This is a type of self-serving behavior. To help mitigate this difficult behavior, the person's boss needs to acknowledge him and let him know he is appreciated. Once the person gains the approval he's seeking, the situation should start to improve.
By learning to identify causes and motivations for difficult behavior, you can more easily develop a strategy to effectively deal with the behavior. Difficult behavior can be caused by many things, such as coming from a dysfunctional family, being stuck in the past, or having low self-esteem. Common motivations for difficult behavior include the desire to get the job done quickly, the desire to get the job done right, the need to get along and belong, and the need for approval.