As a good listener, you should listen at least twice as much as you talk. However, what you have to say is also important. It can help you to listen well, or it can act as a roadblock to better listening.
Three particular types of speech act as roadblocks to effective listening:
- speech in which you seem to be attacking your conversation partner
- "you" messages that appear to blame your conversation partner, and
- speech that demonstrates power over your conversation partner
Attacking
When speakers believe you're attacking them, their emotions are heightened, and this blocks effective listening. Ways that you might attack your conversation partners include
- interrogation
- criticism, and
- blaming and shaming
Interrogation
Asking a volley of questions pressurizes your conversation partners. It indicates that you don't trust them, you intend to criticize them, or you're searching for ways to blame them for something. This limits what they'll say to you or can result in full-scale arguments.
Imagine you were asked these questions in quick succession – "What have you done so far? Have you remembered to include the latest figures? How quickly will you be finished?" It's likely you'd feel pressured and under attack as a result – and unlikely that you'd have a productive interaction after this.
Criticism
When you criticize your conversation partners, you put them on edge and on the defensive. They may not tell you everything you need to hear and they're likely to become angry or upset.
Suppose a colleague is asking for help in a crunch and you say "You get too stressed about these things" or "You should have organized this better before." Your colleague will probably react defensively, you won't find out what the problem is or what needs to be done, and your colleague will trust you less.
Blaming and shaming
When you blame or shame your conversation partner, you aren't trying to solve a problem and you make the person feel demeaned and criticized. This shuts down communication and heightens emotion.
"You" and "I" messages
One common way of attacking a conversation partner is by using "you" messages instead of "I" messages. "You" messages typically criticize and blame the other person. They block effective listening when they are used to preach, blame, or give patronizing advice.
"You" messages
A "you" message hands over responsibility to your conversation partners – so it assigns blame to them and it's critical. These messages also tend to be generalized, which makes them inaccurate. For example, "You always come in late" or "You're not invested in this project" sound like accusations.
A "you" message can also assign blame to your conversation partner for how you are feeling. An example is "Your attitude is aggressive and makes me angry."
When you use this type of language, your conversation partners are likely to elicit a defensive reaction and will either stall or degenerate into arguments.
"I" messages
When you use "I" messages, you assert yourself without being aggressive. This way of speaking clarifies your perspective, specifies what your personal concerns are, and doesn't make assumptions about the other person's behavior, motivation, or intentions.
Simply using the word "I" at the start of a sentence is not enough. For example, if you say "I feel frustrated because you never hand in your reports on time," you're generalizing your conversation partner's behavior and blaming this person for your emotional state.
You can, however, name the emotions you're feeling as a way of expressing the impact of a particular problem, without assigning blame. For example, if you say "I feel frustrated when the reports are late. I depend on them in meetings with our contractor," you express the impact of a problem without judging or blaming the person you're addressing.
Showing power
Demonstrating power over another person is the third speech type that acts as a roadblock to effective listening. Showing power generally includes giving orders or commands, or even threatening someone.
Consider how you feel when someone orders you to do something rather than asking politely for it. It's likely you'll be angry, defensive, or resentful. These heightened emotions prevent you from listening well and generally result in defensive reactions. So, trying to exert power over someone is not an effective strategy for listening or communication.
Speaking in ways that attack, blame, or demean another person only serves to heighten emotions and generate defensiveness. When this happens, you're unable to listen effectively and nonjudgmentally to what the person has to say. So you lose the opportunity for understanding and better communication.
When you are communicating with someone, how you say something affects how effectively you and the person you're addressing listen. Roadblocks to effective listening include attacking, "you" messages, and showing power over your conversation partner.
These ways of speaking escalate emotions and generate defensive reactions, preventing effective listening.